Putting The Puzzle Together

My parents couldn't have come to town at a better time. I really needed them here for support and grounding. While my life is hectic and filled with man drama - at the same time it's incredibly wonderful with my new daughter.

Each day I get to enjoy a moment, hell several moments .. of which I was unable to spend with Aero when she was young. I am appreciative and optimistic of how it will all work this time around.

3 weeks ago I was ready to quit my job and take another one for more money - today I'm reaping the benefits of job roulette and winning. My current job matched my offer and requested I stay.

I can't even begin to express the amazement, excitement and gratitude I felt when they came to me with an offer. I thought to myself, "You mean I don't have to work two jobs anymore?" or even better, "You really think I'm that valuable?"

It's an amazing ego booster. To get that sort of confidence in something so unstable as a job is mind blowing. While I'm still not completely happy with the situation I was left in, it has helped me become more patient with the change.

Even more good news - J got his license back on Tuesday morning. He's been chauffering me around all week! I told him he had 4 years of catching up to do.

Can we believe in May - it will be 4 years of this off and on relationship?

While things are not repaired between us and I still feel that our path is somewhat muddy and I do believe the reason for us being together has not surfaced yet. I know it's hard work to keep a relationship healthy, but like my job - I'm willing to make that sacrifice to see the end outcome.

I can promise you that J and I will have many more fights that damage our relationship to no end. I can safely say that you can read all about it here because this is where I vent; this is where I make sense of things in my life that make none. And I'm pretty sure you'll see me settle down and look at things in a different perspective several times over the course of my decision to forgive.

WHY?

Because eventually I have to forgive and forget. It's a part of my faith. I just wish I didn't have to do it so often. I guess that's why they say Karma is a bitch.

Blazin!

It's time to retire the Cheerio and update her look.

As I stated before - I came up with a great new name and look, but I forgot to write it down .. so I'm starting from scratch.

Don't worry, it's still me but a new and better me!

Halves and Pieces

Fighting takes the energy out of you which could be why I decided to take on a part-time job.

I know - I know. MERCY, good lord woman... you work full-time, take care of two daughters and a stay at home abusive boyfriend - now you have a part-time job? When do you have time for you?

Well I don't and I do. Let me further explain.

I got the part time job for two reasons. One we needed extra income to survive until J found a full time job and second it gave me a reason to put my resume on Monster to seek other employment.

Then J accused me of taking the job so I didn't have to come home and "deal" with the baby. Of course this caused another arguement that led to me sleeping in Miss K's room for a few days. Really I just need to move in there.

The early departure of my boss left me frustrated and depressed; and wanting something more. My ego kicked in and convinced my brain that I could do Executive Admin work based on my performance and reviews of the last three years at my job.

Don't laugh, it worked! I was so appealing I recieved 8 job offers in 5 weeks, but only 3 offered me my "want" salary which was 15% more than I was currently making. Before I could give my notice, my old boss asked me what was going on with the part time job as well. I confessed I was leaving for more money. At that point it became a game. My old and new boss didn't want me to leave - so after further discussions, my job matched my current offer.

Everyone keeps asking when I'm going to quit the part time job. What? Why the hell are you still there? What are you thinking?

Honestly - NOW it's the only time I get to myself. I enjoy the mental break from my day job and the abuse from J when I do come home. I usually spend all my free time with Miss K anyway. J is usually on the computer or watching sports. We don't like the same music, movies or TV shows and usually he refuses to do anything without me.

Which really sucks because I desperately need some away time from him. He spoke of marriage during our argument in which I asked him to leave. He kept calling me his fiance and/or wife. Without a doubt getting married is the last thing on my list to do before I die. Ok you're right, it's not on my list!

I believe my mission in this portion of my life is to convince J that he deserves someone who is on the same page as he is. That life is so much more than what we have left. That it's better we end as friends, instead of dragging this out to the "hate of no return" level.

I believe that eventually J will realize - I'm not the one he's destined to be with.

One thing is for sure - the sooner he realizes we are over, the better the life he can provide for his daughter.

So much more to come.

Dueling Parents Part II

I'm not sure how many nights I spent sleeping in K's room but it was long enough for me to realize my life, yet again has taken a wrong turn.

The next day, after the beer had worn off, J apologized for all the things he said. Well honestly - I don't know what J apologized for because he's never specific about what he did wrong. It's as if he throws out a blanket apology and it's to cover whatever I'm upset about.

I however did not apologize. In fact I said, "I'm not sorry J. I meant all the things I said. You are horrible when you are drunk and you need help. You put your beer before your child yesterday and I'm pissed as hell." This is where the nodding of the head comes into play and I'm sure that what I said has gone in one ear and right out the other. It will happen again, I can bet on it.

The common trait abusive partners share is the ability to do it again under stress of a certain situation.

While I can't blame J for putting his drinking and friends first, it's always been that way, I thought the birth of his only child, with me at least, would have at least put things in perspective.

The negativity of this man is incredible. The ratio to frustration between us is about 1 million to 2. There have only been two times where I have been completely frustrated with Miss K and partially reprimanded her for being inconsolable. Where as every other word out of J's mouth is soaked in disdain. Good lord she's AN INFANT! Like she knows she's being a pain in the butt?!

I start to chalk it up to being a first time parent but then I remember how J must have a hit or a drink to make it easier to handle. For example my bottle of Rum. Once full now completely gone - I only drank half. I don't think I was ever ASKED if he could drink any. I definitely know I never SAW him drink it but yet there is the empty bottle sitting in the bottom of the trash can.

Is the life you so desperately want to hang on to THAT UNBEARABLE? So intolerable that you must escape reality with a shot of liquor or a hit? Seriously?! I've given you every opportunity to walk out the door and yet you are still here?!

Possibly I have spoiled the man by allowing him to stay home and take care of Miss K. Or maybe that's the ultimate plan - to get me to accept that I'm the primary care giver in this relationship? Yet he talks about getting his license back and finally returning to the work force, yet he has put zero into continued efforts to find a job.

Clearly I am being scammed. Clearly speaking in low tones does not do a damn thing. Clearly I've been degraded to SUCKER and a lifetime of committment to a man who has no respect for life or me. Clearly the wrong road.

Be Careful Of What You Wish For

A month ago J and I broke up, ok it was more me breaking up with him. I asked J to move out but he refused. He said we could work things out for the benefit of our daughter. I laughed and walked out.

It started at his friends birthday party. An old friend from years ago. Tight friends. One friend who lives only 5 minutes from us and we've only seen once in the year we've been in the house.

Miss K attends because she's still new & shiny. Note though Miss K has been diagnosed COLICKY. The medical term for, "We don't know what's wrong with your child, but she'll decide to cry whenever she feels like it and well if you don't want to put up with it, just plug your ears."

I don't enjoy being out in public when Miss K decides to be colicky. I would rather be home where it's OK for me to plug my ears and Miss K only bother the cat.

The first act of colic entertainment, J and I take turns calming Miss K down. I keep telling him he doesn't have to hover over me - if she gets out of control I can always head home and leave him to hang out with his friend. We only live 5 minutes away. He refuses and says she'll be fine after we get her to sleep. Correct.

After 4 or 5 hours, I ask J if it's possible to leave before she wakes up again. I'd like to be able to feed her at home and then put her in her crib.

Would you believe that J says no?

Would you believe that I have troubles understanding his answer?

I ask, "Why not?"

He says, "I want to finish my last two beers first."

I think to myself, "What the first 10 weren't enough?"

I patiently wait as he opens another beer. I rock the stroller back and forth. I stop to make sure the hood on the stroller is covering Miss K's eyes. I see she's still peacefully sleeping. You got that right, that didn't last long.

She starts to cry. I start to pack things up. I walk over to the hostess and say goodbye. As I'm walking down the driveway, J comes up and helps me with the bags. He walks back over to the birthday boy to say goodbye. I walk to the car and start loading up. J meets me at the trunk.

I'm convinced. It's time. It's over.

He's convinced. I'm crazy. It's time for another beer.

We argue all the way home. I'm yelling at the top of my lungs because no matter how many times I explain it he's not getting it. He keeps saying that it's my fault because I didn't let him have any time to spend with his friend he never sees.

Well really, who's fault is that? 5 minutes - you have a bike!

We never get anything resolved other than he has a drinking problem, needs therapy because he thinks he doesn't have a problem. That and some issue with his dad when he was little being an alcoholic .. and that I don't have any problems other than he won't leave my house with my baby.

"I'll never get to see her. Now I know what you did to George."

And that was the end of our relationship.

I still have not forgiven him for even pretending to know what it was like living or being with George. How awful it was. How dare he.

Then to add injury to insult - he states, "You just prefer to get the shit beat out of you, you don't want a nice guy that cares about you."

At this point, I hope we aren't talking about him.

And Action!

Breathe.

I never imagined I would be a mother and I never thought my life would bring me two wonderful daughters, but here I am.

I don't rememeber very much about Aero's childhood, mainly because I chose to forget the horrible memories of her father and the hell he put me through. Consistantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to put me out of my misery. For his own benefit of course - what he thought would be a lifetime with his daughter he now throws down the drain of drug and alcohol abuse.

Never saw that coming.

I've taken over Aero's old laptop in hopes I could recover it and have a plug into my blogger life again. What I didn't expect as I was deleting files is to find a file titled, "letter to dad". At this point I'm fully committed to reading it.

Aero pours her heart out in a whisper. In person she cringes at the thought of having to actually utter a word of disgrace. Her true feelings of disappointment and abandonment are something I knew would never make sense, but at least now she realizes what the difference is.

With Miss K occupying nearly all of my free time, I have to push back and remind myself, I am a mother of two beautiful daughters. I have not given up faith on Aero, if anything I keep high hopes of her achieving more than I could have ever put forth the effort to accomplish.

I see her grow in intelligence and spirit every day. How pink stripes suddenly seem out of date and too girly for someone as sophisticated as herself. She pulls the sheets off the rack as if to analyze it because she cares what it says about her. Chocolate and a beautiful greenish-blue coverlet - colors that say, "I've been hurt and it shows, but if you look deep, you'll see how beautiful I am."

Her determination when she finally decides on something is inspiring. She pulled out her sweats and tank top, put her hair in a pony tail and proceeded to change her life yet again. Paint covers old wounds. I would peek in and check on her, she'd smile and tell me to get out.

On the third morning, I have to stay on top of her. "Aero, we need to go." She finally broke into tears, "Mom, I'm exhausted." Sympathetic for once, I told her I would run J to work and be back for her. She worked so hard and it looked so beautiful. Its feel is of an ocean, calm waves welcoming you into it. You feel you never want to leave. But I do because her room is never clean and if I stood there long enough - I would clean it myself.

At some point we have to let go. I only pray that Miss K never has to walk in Aero's shoes, but then again, look how beautiful she's become.

It's April 2008

Ok so I know I have been MIA, but if you recall I just had a baby, lost my boss & now currently work two jobs. That's right I have a part-time job and really - absolutely NO TIME to vent about what's on my mind. At least not right now at this moment - but if you have the patience, use it. Once I do let it all go, it will be worth it.

Stars .. Don't Fail Me Now

I'm not sure what I'm wishing for anymore. There was a point in the past month that I would have done anything to move to another state with my boss, but right now I'm feeling the pressure of having to train his new, temporary, good to look at with some great assets and a perky disposition administrative assistant.

She's actually smart as well. God I hate it when that happens. I give her reports and she picks it up relatively quick. I feel sick to my stomach even thinking about it, which reminds me I can't be on here too long because I have to call her and walk her through a report.

I haven't even checked my work e-mail yet, I'm pretty sure this is where that "depression" sets in. Having a baby is wonderful if you are settled down, married and about 25 years old. At that point you are young enough to keep up with your blessing.

Let me just say an average day on 4 hours of sleep while feeding, burping, changing diapers, working full time, trying to maintain some order in a chaotic house and still eat and shower for yourself won't seem like such a chore.

If you chose to wait until 35 you might feel like you are going to have a heart attack at some point - and start working on your funeral arrangements just as a precaution in your spare time. Which trust me - you'll just put "standard ceremony" in all your selections because you won't have time to think about dying.

Before you start screaming at the top of your lungs, where is J to help you out? J is actually working the rest of this week and 4 days next week. That's another $600 buckaroos that we didn't have at the beginning of this week. Desperately we'll need it when I go back to work and have to stick Miss K in a daycare, something else I still haven't done yet.

I can't even concentrate on the rest of this post. Miss K is temporarily with my parents, I still have to shower, eat, log on to work, call this lady, redo my insurance plans and figure out what to get J for Valentine's Day. I hope a kiss is sufficient because at this rate .. I may not even make it to the car.

Whatever I'm to wish for I hope it comes true.

¿Es Hora de Comer?

I have much to say although it is 1 AM and I am planning on taking my sorry butt to work tomorrow. I mean it's only been 3 weeks since I had a c-section .. it's about time I did more than push my fingers along the remote control.